She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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