matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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