Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
