i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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