i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
