I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
