Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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