saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
