She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
