I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
