Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
