In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i think im in europe. pls send help
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