and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
