I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
