just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize