I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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