why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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