At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
