areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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