What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
