Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
