Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
