When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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