Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
