Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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