i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
