I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
