I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
