its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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