I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
