I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
