You're my little dorito
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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