I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
