At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
