Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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