woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize