Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
