We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
