im six kinds of drunk right now
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
