New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
