how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
