i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
