I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize