Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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