I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize