The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
