I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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