Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
