I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
