I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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