why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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