I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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