Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
