Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I love you. Go after that dick
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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