Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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