Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
