Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
