woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
